Behoefte

Er zijn twee soorten behoefte, je kunt ergens behoefte aan hebben, of je behoefte moeten doen. De eerste is duidelijk en saai, daar wil ik het dus niet over hebben.

De tweede is een stuk interessanter, behoefte doen zegt geen mens, tenminste niet dat ik weet. Hooguit iemand die van stand is, de kakkers. Normale mensen zeggen, poepen, schijten, kakken, een drol draaien, noem maar op. Anders wordt het als je aan de diarree bent, dan zeg je weer iets anders: ‘Ik ben aan de schijt, aan de dunne, ik heb racekak, ben aan de spetterpoep of  aan de sproeipoep. Iedereen heeft er weleens last van; ik ook.

Meestal gaat het goed, soms kan het gebeuren dat het misgaat, je denkt dat je een scheet moet laten en dan heb je zomaar ineens je broek vol hangen. Mij gebeurde dat een keer toen ik op weg was naar de pedicure. Ik had nergens last van, liep vrolijk de deur uit en net toen ik halverwege was gebeurde het! Ik dácht dat ik een poepje moest laten, ik dacht het echt, had geen buikpijn, niks, helemaal niks. Totdat ik het liet, in no time had ik mijn broek vol. Tja, daar sta je dan, niet met je mond vol, maar met je broek vol. Me erlangs schijten was geen optie. Ik moest naar huis én afbellen, want zo iemand werkt op afspraak. Tja, wat ga je dan zeggen? ‘’Sorry, ik heb net in mijn broek gescheten?’ Nee, dus. Ik heb hem ( Ja, het was een hij) gebeld en gezegd dat ik niet kon komen omdat ik me niet goed voelde! In feite was dat ook zo, ik voelde me inderdaad niet goed. Thuis kon ik niet aankomen met een smoesje, ze roken me al van verre! Tja, en dan ga je dat doen wat dringend noodzakelijk is: DE BOEL SCHOONMAKEN.

 

Een ander verhaal hoorde ik van een kennis van een kennis! De persoon in kwestie was nogal dol op Pizza, geen gewone, maar Pizza Stromboli, en dan het liefst met extra veel peper, pili pili. Die at hij een keer buitenshuis, heerlijk vond hij het, hij genoot met volle teugen. De dag erna moest hij werken, en net voordat hij de deur wilde uitgaan kreeg hij aandrang. Maar omdat het al vrij laat was en hij op tijd op zijn werk moest zijn, besloot hij het er op te wagen. Een maal in de auto steeg het weer een beetje, maar niet lang. Bij iedere hoek werd de aandrang sterker, de goede man kreeg het behoorlijk benauwd, hij begon te zweten en te trillen omdat hij wist dat hij het niet ging halen. Midden op straat gaan zitten schijten gaat niet in dit land, maar wat dan? Hij keek naar de huizen en winkels die hij voorbij reed, en ineens had hij het! Hij stopte voor een grote bloemenzaak, stormde daar naar binnen en vloog zonder iets te vragen of te zeggen naar de wc. Pff, wat een genot was dat. Hij kakte zich helemaal leeg, waste zijn handen en liep met een stalen gezicht zonder iets te zeggen weer naar buiten. Ik weet niet wat die mensen gedacht hebben, maar ik denk dat ze niet blij waren. De bloemen konden ze  niet meer verkopen, die lieten in no time hun kopjes hangen. Of hij nog terug is geweest om zijn excuus aan te bieden, weet ik ook niet. Ik denk het niet, want wat had hij moeten doen?  Een bloemetje meebrengen? En zeggen het spijt me? Nee, dat gaat echt niet!

 

WORDT VERVOLGD.

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76 antwoorden op “Behoefte”

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